Brainy Moms
Brainy Moms is a parenting podcast with smart ideas to help moms and kids thrive! Hosted by cognitive psychologist Dr. Amy Moore along with rotating co-hosts Sandy Zamalis, Teri Miller, and Dr. Jody Jedlicka, this weekly show features conversations and guest experts in parenting, psychology, child development, education, and medicine with practical tips to help moms navigate the ups and downs of parenthood. We're smart moms helping make moms smarter...one episode at a time!
Brainy Moms
ENCORE EPISODE! Parenting a Differently Wired Kid with guest Debbie Reber
We loved this episode so much that we’re bringing it back for another listen! If you’re parenting a differently wired kid, you may have concerns that go beyond the already heavy stressors that can come with parenting. Am I parenting to bring out the best in my child or doing what’s comfortable, easy or socially expected? Is my child’s IEP just addressing the behavior rather than the stressors that are causing the behavior? Is my neurodivergent student going to be left behind because they don’t perform well on standardized tests despite being very smart? Am I stuck in a cycle of “compare and despair” rather than respecting my child’s unique timeline, interests and gifts?
This conversation Dr. Amy and Dr. Jody had with Debbie Reber felt like a lifeline for many of us raising neurodivergent children and teens. Debbie is the author of the book, “Differently Wired: A Parent’s Guide to Raising an Atypical Child with Confidence and Hope” and the founder of Tilt Parenting. Offering insights, personal stories, and guidance for listeners who may be grappling with insecurities around parenting a differently wired child, Debbie provided comfort—and useful tips—to help us all gain perspective.
Debbie shares her personal story of raising a neurodivergent child and how it inspired her groundbreaking book. She introduces the concept of "tilt," a metaphor that encapsulates the unpredictable path of parenting children who don't fit the typical mold, urging us to shift our perspectives and embrace a new way of understanding neurodivergence.
The emotional strain of the "compare and despair" cycle faced by parents of differently wired kids is a recurring challenge, especially within the rigid framework of educational systems. From public to private schooling, Debbie delves into the impact these choices have on both children and their families, highlighting the concept of "school PTSD" that affects many kids. This episode empowers parents to redefine what success and happiness mean for their families, focusing on the unique strengths and joys that their children bring to their lives.
Advocacy in education is a vital tool for parents, and Debbie offers insights on how to maximize support within the school system. From navigating IEPs and 504 plans to exploring alternatives like micro-schools and homeschooling, she emphasizes the importance of being a proactive advocate for your child's needs. Debbie also shares the wealth of resources available through Tilt Parenting, including a podcast and community initiatives, which provide ongoing support for parents as they embrace the strengths and unique timelines of their differently wired children. Join us for a conversation that offers hope, guidance, and a fresh perspective on the challenges and triumphs of raising exceptional kids.
CONNECT WITH US:
Website: www.TheBrainyMoms.com
Email: info@TheBrainyMoms.com
Social Media: @TheBrainyMoms
Our sponsor's website: www.LearningRx.com
Sandy's TikTok: @TheBrainTrainerLady
Dr. Amy's brand new IG: @DrAmySaysGrace
Dr. Amy's website: www.AmyMoorePhD.com
Hi and welcome to this episode of Brainy Moms brought to you today by LearningRx Brain Training Centers. I am your host, dr Amy Moore, joined by my co-host, dr Jodi Jedlicka, and we are coming to you today from a very sunny but a little chilly Colorado Springs, colorado, and joining us all the way from Brooklyn, new York, is our guest, debbie Reber. All the way from Brooklyn, new York is our guest, debbie Reber. Debbie is a parenting activist, best-selling author, keynote speaker and founder of Tilt Parenting, a website, podcast and resource for parents who are raising differently-wired children. A regular contributor to Psychology Today and Attitude Magazine, debbie's newest book is called Differently Wired a parent's guide to raising an atypical child with confidence and hope. In 2018, she spoke at TEDx Amsterdam, delivering a talk called why the Future Will Be Differently Wired. After living abroad in the Netherlands for five years, debbie, her husband and her Differently Wired teen moved to Brooklyn in 2019. Welcome, debbie.
Debbie Reber:Thank you, I'm happy to be here.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Yeah, good morning, Debbie. I love how you call yourself a parenting activist. When I was listening to your podcast, that seemed like such an appropriate way to describe you. Can you tell us a bit about yourself and why you decided to write the book Differently Wired and how you even came up with that term Differently Wired?
Debbie Reber:Yes, so I am, as you mentioned, the mom of a now 18-year-old kid, one child and this was not my plan to do any of this, to create, to write, Differently Wired.
Debbie Reber:I used to work as an author for books for young adults and teenagers and I would speak to young women because I was a recovering teen myself and worked in kids TV before that and so I was just kind of humming along when I realized that my parenting journey was going to be a little more intense than, or different than, what I had expected.
Debbie Reber:I don't know what I expected, but not what was unfolding before me, because I discovered that the child I was raising was neurodivergent, which at the time we discovered that we didn't know what that meant or what was really involved, but we just knew that things were going to be a little more challenging.
Debbie Reber:And so you know, going through everything we went through over the years of trying to figure out a path for my child named Asher, figuring out a path for Asher, figuring out a school, multiple school situations, understanding how to support this kid and really support myself as a parent and a partner in going through this. I really wanted to figure out how to support other parents then in this journey because it is it can be very isolating and very overwhelming. It can feel impossible at times to find the right resources and to just know how to navigate this. And so when I kind of got I wouldn't say I got through it because I'm still in it but when I really kind of learned more about this journey, I knew that I wanted to use my skills of sharing resources and information and writing and help other parents feel less alone in this journey, and that's why I ended up writing Differently Wired.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:I love that you saw the need or the hole and you used the gifts that you had to be able to fill that need. Where did you come up with the word tilt?
Debbie Reber:Yeah. So there's a story which I can share with you. And first I will say it's not an acronym. A lot of people think it is, and to that I say, if you come up with something good that works with T-I-L-T, let me know. Maybe it can become an acronym.
Debbie Reber:But you mentioned it when you read my bio that we had moved to the Netherlands, and when we did that it was in 2013. And we just threw all the rules out the window. We decided to radically change our lives. I became a homeschool parent Wasn't my plan either, but that's what happened. And it was this really interesting time.
Debbie Reber:And the summer before we moved, we went to the Jersey shore and we were riding Asher and I went on the tilt a whirl. If you know that ride, you can kind of hold on and it whips you around unexpectedly. You never know when the next one's going to come. And so my husband took a picture of Asher and I on the tilt a whirl and caughtWhirl and caught us kind of mid-whip and we have these big smiles on our faces and our hair is blowing back and we're just holding on for dear life. But we're excited, but nervous, and it really captured to me the big changes we're making in our world.
Debbie Reber:And so when we moved abroad, I started a blog called Tilt a World where I started sharing what we were doing and what I was learning. And so then, a few years later, when I started realizing I wanted to create a community and a resource for parents, I had pages of brainstorms for names of this that I would run them by Asher, and Asher would say no to most of them because it was like, well, that has a negative connotation and this sounds like this and this is you know. And a friend said what about that word tilt? It really captures so much about what you're trying to do, which is reframe things. Tilt the conversation. We all need to kind of approach neurodivergence and what's happening with our kids through this different lens. And as soon as she said it, I was like that's the word. And then Asher approved, so I moved forward with that.
Dr. Amy Moore:Yeah, I think when I saw that you label your chapter in the second half of your book, you, you label your chapters tilt number one, tilt number 17, right, and so to me it just said, hey, paradigm shift number one, like new way of thinking, number two right, or new way of doing. I mean you tilt your parenting perspective and your parenting practices and you actually you had a quote in your book that made me cry. You said people apologize for things they've done, wrong, things they regret. My son apologized for who he is and I have three neurodiverse kids and so completely related to that and just knowing the struggles that they had in school and with teachers not understanding, and so I love the idea that your response to that is, hey, we have to think about a different way of parenting rather than trying to change our child. We need to look at this whole parenting process differently, right?
Debbie Reber:Yeah, yes, and I you know that was based on a story that I share of my child apologizing and just realizing that he was doing it all the time.
Debbie Reber:And when I realized that that was a conditioned response really to what had been happening in school, it did break my heart. And you know that when I wrote that book even was now seven years ago I I'm excited to see that I feel like the shift is happening. There's maybe it's just who I hang out with, because I spent all my time talking to people who are in this, but I do feel like there is an increasing awareness of the fact that being differently wired is is a difference, it's not a deficit, and that everyone benefits when we, instead of trying to get these kids to be compliant or to better fit in, that we really lean or they're doing it wrong, or they're broken, or they're bad. You know they're the bad kids. That can last a lifetime. I mean it's. It's really heartbreaking when you think about how many kids are growing up with this internalized sense that I'm a screw up, you know, or I'm not smart.
Dr. Amy Moore:Yeah, so I want you to. I want to dig in a little bit about some of these tilts for our listeners. But before we do that, can you talk a little bit about this idea of getting into that compare and despair cycle and what that means?
Debbie Reber:Yeah, I mean a lot of us raising these kids live in that cycle, I think, especially around graduation time or you know any kind of milestones, because I think we, as parents of these kids, our experience is often different from what we expected and it's different from what we may see, you know, happening around us in our community, or with other parents or with other family members who are raising their own kids, and so we can often get the reminder that this looks different, this is harder, this is more intense, or your child is not going to have this experience, or you know all of these things Cause we have this picture in our mind about what our kid's life is going to be like, what our experience as a parent's going to feel and look like, and then we see what's happening around us and it it can be really hard to not hold our experience up to those standards and then to feel like we really drew the short straw.
Debbie Reber:And I mentioned graduation because that is one of those times where we start seeing on social media the pictures of so-and-so just performed at this recital, or just won this award in the class for being the most respectful student or being you know all of this stuff. And then we've got these kids who are incredible and are such sensitive, lovely, complicated, fascinating people who aren't going to win those awards and we may not get a picture of them. They may have had such a negative experience at school that they don't even want to go to an event, they may be disinvited from events, and so that compare and despair cycle of looking at these things and keeping ourselves stuck in that feeling like I wish this was our life. But this is our life and the tension between those, you know, can be really painful, and it's pain that we're really keeping ourselves in if we're kind of mired in that cycle because we're continually focusing on what we don't have as opposed to leaning into the awesome human that we're raising and kind of redefining what success and joy looks like for ourselves.
Dr. Amy Moore:And so where do parents start? How do they start breaking that cycle?
Debbie Reber:Well, I think noticing it is the first thing, and that's kind of a theme throughout my book. So much of this is kind of doing our own deep inner work, to start paying attention to the things that trigger us, the times we feel sad or frustrated or overwhelmed, or you know that default thought of this is always going to be hard, or we're using language like my child will never, you know, x, whatever that is. So we need to disrupt that. We need to catch ourselves saying those words, thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings, and not that we they're not valid. Like I'm a fan of experiencing the feeling and trying to dig deeper and understand what's really going on, because usually it's, you know, it's underneath.
Debbie Reber:That is this concern about our kids not being happy, which is what we want. We want our kids to grow up to be happy, fulfilled humans who can contribute to the world and feel good about themselves. So I think we need to kind of uncover what's really going on and then start to just do our own work to reframe and to look for the bright spots in our own family and to to realize that social media, whatever we're seeing, that's not real either. You know what we're kind of imagining everyone else's life is like is not actually what their life is like, and we really want to just go into our family. Where do we find joy? What works for us, what are our strengths? How do we have fun? What does success look and feel like for us and how can we do this on our own terms? And the more we can kind of stay in that space, then what other people are doing it's not going to impact us as much.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Debbie, in your book you talk a lot about education and I think that's such a huge part of kids' lives and parents' lives, and my husband and I have both worked in education and I often say that kids develop, kids with challenges develop what I call school PTSD. It's just you know these experiences that they've had, that frame how they think and look at themselves, and so can you talk about some of the limitations of various types of schooling public, charter, private for differently wired children and some of the discoveries that you've made surrounding those different choices?
Debbie Reber:Yeah, I mean education is, I think, the biggest challenge when our kids are younger, because that's really one of their primary jobs. Right is to play and learn and so often for us those of us raising these kids it isn't like let's go to the neighborhood school and they're good to go for the next 12 years. It doesn't often look that way. I think there are challenges and and potentially you know, pluses and really every type of school, I think for public school, which is where most of these kids end up, if they have a formal diagnosis, then the possibility of them getting an IEP or having a 504 plan can can work. It depends on the school district. I think the challenges of the public school system is the limitations with how mastery and knowledge has to be demonstrated. Or, you know, there's so many tests that have to be taken and standardized tests and you have to check all of these boxes and a lot of these kids learn differently and they may have a very different way of demonstrating knowledge and there isn't much wiggle room in a public school system. I think there's more than we sometimes think, because sometimes the school will say nope, can't do that, and then we accept that and I think there's more room to push and some school districts are more open than others, but a lot of it comes down to having a teacher who really sees that kid, and a good teacher can make all the difference, as you know, and a good IEP plan. But even IEPs tend to be so focused on a behavior as opposed to the underlying stressors that are causing the behavior, or you know that those behaviors are coping strategies for. So I think public school can work, but it can be really tricky. Also, the size of the classrooms and you know, for a lot of these kids sensory issues are a big deal, and so bigger classrooms can be overwhelming. And then private schools can work great. It really depends on the school. I think the challenge with kind of a more mainstream private school and by that I mean one that isn't specialized for learning, disabilities and things I think they don't have to provide any supports if they don't want to, and so that can be really challenging. Living in the Netherlands, the most expats send their kids to an international school. So I looked at them and they were like nope, we can't do that, we can't support ADHD, we don't have the resources, and that's the same in a lot of places that they, and legally they, can say no. So I think parents can feel like they have less of a voice in a public school. And if it works, it can work great, and if it doesn't work it can be ugly.
Debbie Reber:As I write about in my book, we had some pretty gnarly breakups with some schools in early elementary and a lot of then. You know what's happening now. There are a lot of micro schools cropping up, which is really exciting to see. A lot more specialized schools for kids who are twice exceptional or have other learning differences, and those can be really expensive. So that can be really tricky and a barrier for so many families.
Debbie Reber:And then a lot of families end up homeschooling, which you know is also not an option for everyone. It worked really really well for us. What I find is that a lot of families with these neurodivergent kids a majority of them will spend at least some time homeschooling, even if it's like an emergency situation or a school refusal situation, and so they pivot to homeschooling to get through a season or a certain phase and then they try to find a better fit. So I think homeschooling can be a great option if it's available to you, because then we're not like focused on these arbitrary guidelines or approaches that have nothing to do with the way our kid learns. We can really tailor an educational experience that is rooted in their strengths and that is can be a really great gift, especially, as you mentioned PTSD, to get these kids out of that cycle. It can take a while actually to detox from a negative school experience, months or years even.
Dr. Amy Moore:So what is your advice? I think one of your tilts is, um, to make a ruckus when you need to, and so talk about that in terms of your advice to parents who have no other option but to go to public school. Right, they're dual working families or they don't have the resources to pay for a private program and they can't homeschool. Apply that tilt to how they can be advocates for their children in public school.
Debbie Reber:Yeah, I mean, I think I think there's a lot more, as I said, that we can do, that we don't know is available to us. You know we often are relying on other people to tell us what to do. You know we're not all experts in IEP. I mean, even the word IEP like makes my brain hurt. My kid has had IEPs. I've been to IEP meetings and I still would not consider myself an expert in that at all and I get really overwhelmed when I have to go to those meetings. And so I think kind of finding people who are really who understand that system really well working with an educational advocate, someone who think kind of finding people who are really who understand that system really well working with an educational advocate, someone who can kind of be there, can be really supportive, because there actually is a lot that we can push for in terms of the types of accommodations our kid might have. A school will. Often, you know, there's like a boilerplate accommodations oh, you've got this diagnosis, we'll give you this. There's like a boilerplate accommodations oh, you've got this diagnosis, we'll give you this, this and this. And oftentimes parents will just say, okay, I don't know what that stuff means, sounds good, I'll sign it and then we assume that it's all happening. And so I think, realizing that actually we, if we can get in the weeds and we can say this accommodation isn't going to work because of this, this is what we propose like we can get in the weeds and we can say this accommodation isn't going to work because of this, this is what we propose Like we can negotiate A friend of mine talks about this like buying a used car, like it's a negotiation. We both want to get what we want out of it and we don't have to take no for an answer. So I think working with someone and actually understoodorg is a great resource in terms of finding ideas for what you can ask for in an IEP, but there is often more we can push for.
Debbie Reber:We also need to know that we can ask for IEP meetings at any time. So if we realize the teacher isn't enforcing an IEP, or actually it says they're going to do this, but none of this is happening, we can ask for another meeting and we can go in and say we need to make some changes and so, knowing that it's more of a living, breathing document and that we can continue to advocate, I think a lot of parents are worried about being that parent. Right, we want to be liked. We don't want people to be like, oh God, there's that mom again, like walking down the hallway, and then we're also getting often phone calls right or emails for early pickup, and we're the ones who get calls from the principal or whatever because of what happened on the playground. And so we can lose some of our power in that, because we feel embarrassed or judged and we can internalize that.
Debbie Reber:And so I think we want to like kind of reframe that to be a good advocate and know, listen. What matters is this kid's experience. What matters is that my child feels successful in school. I know that's what you want as a school, that's what I want as a parent and that's what this child deserves. So how are we going to make that happen? And so we're really working to build an alignment with the educators involved and then just knowing this is going to be something we're going to keep tweaking together. It's not a once and done kind of thing.
Dr. Amy Moore:Yeah, what I found was when I would negotiate those IEPs and the 504s for my kids, was that the teachers actually appreciated suggestions, right, because they sometimes feel like, well, we've tried A, b and C and it hasn't helped. And so for the parent to come to the table and say, well, this has worked for me at home. What if you tried this, you know, in the classroom, like I got less pushback on that than I expected. And then I also found that if I leveraged the relationship with the pediatrician my child's pediatrician or whoever diagnosed my different children, and said, hey, I drafted an accommodations letter, would you put this on your letterhead Right? Save your pediatrician the work. They're typically more than happy to say, hey, here's our recommendation. And then you kind of have a little bit of you know, some credibility behind your suggestion too.
Debbie Reber:Yeah, I love that. I mean, you're just getting creative and I think, again, it requires us because not all, some of us, maybe a lot of us, are non confrontational people and so for us, we don't we're worried that we're going to be perceived as antagonistic and so and we also want to trust, you know, or defer to the wisdom of people that we perceive to be more educated about this than we are, but that's not always the case and so you know, I love that. That your child's teacher was open to that. I've had mixed experiences. I've had teachers love that and I've had teachers been like I know what I'm doing. Thank you very much.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:So I think it really depends Absolutely. Weirdly, I've been on both sides of the table of an IEP too, and I think sometimes the staff of the school wants to be non-confrontational as well, and so I think that also can be frustrating for parents, because they know something needs to be done and they're happy that you see all the good things, but they want to know what are we going to do to move forward with this, and so I think it makes parents feel validated when everybody's on the same page.
Debbie Reber:Yeah 100%.
Dr. Amy Moore:So talk a little bit about how parents can react to other people shoving their opinions at you about, well, what your child should be doing right now, or, developmentally, how come your child isn't doing this right now? Give our listeners some advice on how they can respond to those suggestions from others.
Debbie Reber:Well-meaning, often suggestions, but very misguided. Yeah, I mean there's no easy answer in terms of how to do this, because I think a lot of us do get triggered by that because, again, it feels personal, it feels like this person is judging and they may very well be judging our how good of a parent we are, and we all want to feel like we're doing a really good job, and so I think if it is something that you get triggered by, then that's worth separately, before we get to the tactical things, kind of working on that piece Like why is this upsetting to me? What am I making? It mean that this person has given me advice or has insinuated that I don't know what I'm doing, and just kind of uncover that what's going on. Often, like I feel like so much of our stuff is triggered from our own baggage that we grew up with the feeling like we're not good enough or we're not smart enough, and so it's worth taking the time to be like oh yeah, that's that's why this is really bothering me, just so we can make peace with that in some way. And then I think it can be really helpful to just have some scripts at the ready for those types of situations when someone gives you unwanted advice or asks you a question I write extensively in the book about.
Debbie Reber:I love the Dutch. I'm just going to say this Dutch people are some of my favorite people on the planet and they're super direct, which I'm good with. I live in New York. I can deal with directness.
Debbie Reber:But there was a lot of like why are you homeschooling?
Debbie Reber:We don't believe in homeschooling, it's bad for kids, and people would just say that to me point blank.
Debbie Reber:And so I would instantly get defensive and feel like I had to explain.
Debbie Reber:And then I realized that I don't need to explain like this is triggering for someone else because it's confronting their picture of what they think things should look like it has nothing to do with me.
Debbie Reber:So, just kind of, if you find that you're getting you know messages like more than once and you're like, oh, this is going to come up again, I think it'd be really helpful to just write down like here are my like hand responses for all of these situations, just so that we're not in that situation where we have that deer in headlight moment where someone says something and then we get triggered and then we respond in a way that makes us feel bad later because we overshared or we gave power to someone that took away some of our own, or we disciplined our kids in a public situation to make somebody else feel better when it was the completely wrong thing to do for our child. So I think if we can proactively plan for those scenarios, then they're not going to trip us up as much and then we'll start to feel more empowered and confident and it won't rattle us as much when people do that.
Dr. Amy Moore:Can you share some examples that you added in the book of how you would respond or how you did respond?
Debbie Reber:I don't remember what I wrote in the book, but I will say that I, you know, some things are like, oh, this is really, this is a really good fit for our family right now, and that's a complete sentence. Like that's it, like you don't, I don't need to go on more than that. Or like you know. Or sometimes it's like, wow, your kid is too old to be doing this. It's like, oh, you know, this is a really hard situation for for my child right now, but we've got it. Thanks for your concern. You know, just like very kind of. It doesn't have to be mean, but, um, or you know, a lot of our kids are asynchronous developers, right, so they may be, have the what you know, operating at an emotionally lower age than their biological age, but meanwhile, cognitively, they might be doing something that a college student is doing, and so I think that's another one.
Debbie Reber:People sometimes get confused and it's like, oh, we're focusing on other things right now, like this isn't a priority for us right now. We're really going all in on art, because that's what we're doing. Again, complete thought, full sentence period. We don't need to over explain. That can feel really uncomfortable for a lot of us, Because I mean think about when we're making an excuse for saying no to something we've been invited to, like we feel like we have to make it or give them a reason and explain all the things, and actually we can just say, oh, I can't make it, thanks for asking, like, that's it. So it's kind of retraining us to have some healthy boundaries and just realize that other people don't need to be in our business.
Dr. Amy Moore:I love that. Yeah, I used to say to my own mom who would give me parenting advice that's a really great suggestion. I'll think about that, yeah, and so there's not a way to argue with that comment, right? Like you're saying, it's a full sentence, it's a full thought and it kind of shuts down the conversation there. I mean, there isn't much else to argue about.
Debbie Reber:Yeah, yeah. Or like I'm so glad that works for you, right, like I'm so glad that book was like the answer to your whatever.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Yeah.
Debbie Reber:Yeah.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:One of the things that you talked a lot about, debbie I don't know if it was all in the book or if it was on one of the podcast episodes that I listened to was how parents can be kind of their child's safe space so that you're almost using your own energy to calm them and keep them calm, and I really loved that. I don't know what my question is in that, but if you could talk a little bit about that just being able to calm them in those situations where things get out of hand.
Debbie Reber:Well, yes, I did write about that in the book. There's a tilt about our own energy. I don't remember what the chapter is called, but it's this idea that we can use our energy for good or for bad when we're with our kids. And I wrote about a time that I realized in a really profound, like light switch kind of a way, how the way that I responded to an incredibly dysregulated little kid from a place of calm and groundedness, like it ended what was happening immediately and I was like, oh my gosh, like this is a superpower, like all I have to do is stay like this for the rest of my life and we're good to go, like no more regressions, no more meltdowns. Of course that wasn't possible. It's not possible for any human to do that. But I really started to get curious about the way that my energy and the way that I was and responded to Asher when Ash was dysregulated could really make or break any situation.
Debbie Reber:Of course Dr Dan Siegel talks about this and and Tina Payne Bryson in their book the Whole Brain, child and Mirror Neurons and and what's really happening and the way our brains are communicating. And now you know, in recent years there's been so much conversation about co-regulation, and Dr Mona Della Hook talks a lot about this in her amazing books and Tina Payne Price does as well. Anyway, I feel like what I thought was like, well, I've just discovered something amazing. It's like, actually, you know, this is neuroscience, debbie, and it is so powerful what we can do to the way our nervous system talks to another human's nervous system, and it is my daily work right now, like it, it has been this whole time. But now raising you know, having a teenager I am it's all about me figuring out how can I co-regulate, because what I've learned I just interviewed Dana for my podcast.
Debbie Reber:She is kind of a translator of polyvagal theory that we are always co-regulating with everyone around us, like it's just what we don't even know we're doing it and so that is. It's an incredible thing to think about, and so knowing that we can really support a person who's dysregulated by staying regulated ourselves is it is such a worthy endeavor to try to do. It's not easy to do, because we get triggered when our kids are like venting at us or you know, we're the recipient of all of their stuff. It can be really hard, but to work to get back to that place is really important.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Yeah, I feel like that's such an important tool to have in your toolbox because it doesn't say that their reaction is good or bad or anything. It's just this is what I can do in this situation, yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore:So powerful and that tilt is called. Recognize how your energy affects your child.
Debbie Reber:Yes, yeah. Aka co regulation yeah, yes.
Dr. Amy Moore:I've heard that described as having one foot in and one foot out. So you have one foot into their space, right? But while anchoring yourself with your emotions in your space yeah, so that you're not fully in theirs, right? Because then their energy is going to impact you and trigger you, like you're saying yeah.
Debbie Reber:Yeah, yeah. I use the metaphor always of like I'm really good at jumping in the pool with my kids and so I'm really trying to stay on the deck and not go into the pool, but I'm there in case I need to throw a life, you know a ring. Or, as someone else just shared this metaphor with me, of like your, your kid, can be up in a tree, like waving their arms, and you know having a freak out, and you're just stay on the ground. Like you're there, you're, but you don't want to get up in the tree with your kids. You want to stay solidly on the ground.
Dr. Amy Moore:Yeah, I like those metaphors. You could keep your legs dangling in the water while you sit on the edge of the pool.
Debbie Reber:Yeah, sure have a margarita or something yeah.
Dr. Amy Moore:Right.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Now we're talking.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:All right, so we need to let take a break and let Dr Jodi read a word from our sponsor, and when we come back, Debbie, we want you to tell us a little bit about your podcast and your club and how listeners can engage with you when we come back. Are you concerned about your child's reading or spelling performance? Are you worried about your child's reading curriculum isn't enough? Well, most learning struggles aren't the results of poor curriculum or instruction. They're typically caused by having cognitive skills that need to be strengthened Skills like auditory processing, memory and processing speed. Learningrx one-on-one brain training programs are designed to target and strengthen the skills that we rely on for reading, spelling, writing and learning. Learningrx can help you identify which skills may be keeping your child from performing their best. In fact, we've worked with more than 100,000 children and adults who wanted to think and perform better. They'd like to help you get your child on the path to a brighter and more confident future. Give LearningRx a call at 866-BRAIN-01 or visit LearningRxcom. That's LearningRxcom.
Dr. Amy Moore:Okay, and we're back talking with author Debbie Reber.
Debbie Reber:So, debbie, talk to us about your podcast and you have a club and just share those resources with our listeners. Sure, thank you. Yeah, so till parenting, which I'm coming up on seven years, I'm just going to say, which is crazy pants to me, but it started as a podcast and that's still kind of my key way of sharing resources. I've got more than 300 episodes and and I will just say, if you go back in the archives, I used to do conversations with Asher when Ash was 11 and 12. And we'd have these great conversations about what does it feel like to be distracted, what does it feel like when you're frustrated? So those are really fun episodes, but just conversations with authors, parents, thought leaders and anything having to do with neurodivergence.
Debbie Reber:So I love my little podcast and it's also Tilt has kind of evolved into a community. So we have a pretty active Facebook group called Tilt Together and that I started three years ago, the Differently Wired Club, which is my way to kind of get in the weeds with parents and you know we have a lot of office hour calls we do we read a book together every month and have the author come in and talk with us and it's just a really supportive community of parents who are in it and who get it and again, including me. I always create what I need and I still need the club. So I love the Differently Wired Club and then I just want to share for listeners too. I have some really good free resources on there. I have something called the Differently Wired 7-Day Challenge, which every day is a little video that includes a tilt, a reframe, that you can just play with. It's a little tweak that you can make in your life to see how you might be able to shift things in a way that feels better for you and your family.
Debbie Reber:I have a new series I just put up that's also free. It's called 10 Things you Need to Know About Raising a Differently Wired Kid and it's basically if I could go back and tell myself here's what you need to know. These are those things, and sometimes I wish I could have a do-over, but that's not gonna happen. And then I have a roadmap for parenting a differently wired kid as well, which is an interactive PDF with a ton of resources for how to kind of move through this, this journey. It's not a linear journey, as you guys know, but but there are kind of different phases that we find ourselves in in repeat as we go through this parenting. So all of those are also at tiltparentingcom.
Dr. Amy Moore:Fantastic. So, listeners, debbie's book, like I had mentioned in the very beginning, has 18 different chapters that talk about suggestions for reframing how you parent, suggestions for reframing how you parent, from connecting with others to being on the same page with your spouse, to ensuring that you take time for self-care, to being an advocate for your child, and and those interactions and how we interact with our child. Just full of great tips and exercises that I wish I had read 20 years ago when I started parenting diverse kids. So we do encourage you to take a look at her book and her resources. Debbie, is there anything that you haven't gotten to say to our listeners that you would like to leave us with today?
Debbie Reber:Yeah, I've got a few things actually. No, I will say one is that I always like to just remind people that our kids are not broken and I think, especially if you're newer to this journey of realizing that this path is a different path than I expected or oh no, we just found this out, this is happening and we've got to do. You know, we kind of get into panic mode and just kind of take a pause and take a breath and say you know what? This is okay, like we don't need to fix anybody here. We need to figure out how to support this human on their unique journey and we're all unique, and so kind of leaning into that and getting out of that kind of panic fix it mode would be important. And I don't remember the other thing I was going to say, but it was going to be good, but we'll just stick with the.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:We'll just stick with the get out of it. I think the community that you offer on so many different levels for people is just unbelievably valuable. So I know of at least a couple who are going to get an email from me saying you really need to listen to this. It's awesome. That's awesome.
Debbie Reber:Thank you, I did think of what I wanted to say. Do you want me to say it Absolutely Before it leaves my brain again? Do you want me to say it Absolutely Before it leaves my brain again? I just want to say that one of the tilts in there is about respecting your child's unique timeline and that to me, I feel like now, especially in these quote unquote post COVID days, and there's so much we're learning about our kids development or maybe learning you, maybe learning loss or whatever's going on, and I really want to encourage people to, if you find yourself getting panicked and stressed about your child being behind, to just again take a deep breath and realize every child is on their own unique timeline and every child has has their unique strengths and their head and other areas where they may be lagging.
Debbie Reber:But we don't have to figure it out all out right now. Like, really lean into the strengths that your child has and really focus on supporting them and feeling good about themselves and knowing about who they are, and don't stress about that compare and despair cycle. Don't think all these things have to happen this way. You know abc, they don't like we get to figure out the right path for our families and our kids. There is no one way that this has to look. So if you're feeling stressed about that, I'm just going to encourage you to take a breath and be like it's going to be okay. We can do this on our own terms. I love that and I'm going to be okay.
Dr. Amy Moore:We can do this on our own terms. I love that and I'm going to say something a little controversial here. But in response to the panic that I've been seeing over the learning loss during COVID, everyone is behind. So, yes, schools really struggled to help kids make a year's progress in a year's time during the lockdown, but everyone was in that same boat. So compared to whom far behind are your children actually falling right? Like the entire country is in the same situation, and so we can all just commiserate about that right and we can all say, all right, it happened, let's do the work we need to do.
Dr. Amy Moore:So, don't panic. All right, Well, we are out of time and need to wrap up, so this has been a fantastic conversation today. Thank you so much, Debbie, for being with us Listeners. If you would like more information about Debbie's work, her website is tiltparentingcom. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at Tilt Parenting. We'll put all those links and her handles in the show notes, including how to purchase her book as well.
Dr. Amy Moore:So thank you so much for listening today. If you liked our show. We would love it if you would leave us a five-star rating and review. On Apple Podcasts, you can find us on every social media platform. At the Brainy Moms, you can go to brainymomsco if you want to visit our website. So look until next time. We know that you're busy moms and we're busy moms, so we're out.
Dr. Jody Jedlicka:Have a great week everybody.
